The actor recalled his story — in his private phrases — for PEOPLE. Within the piece, which was revealed on Wednesday, Merrill, 65, detailed how he was allegedly kidnapped and raped by Gacy in 1978, and eventually escaped.

After first recalling his upbringing in Evanston, Illinois, Merrill said he moved out of his dwelling at 17 to an condominium in downtown Chicago. At 19, the aspiring performer was “working in golf equipment,” and “needed to be an actor however didn’t know find out how to go about that.”

He said he “would go swimming” on the native YCMA, and whereas strolling dwelling one night time time post-swim, he allegedly ran into an individual, who pulled over and requested him if he wanted “to go for a trip.”

Merrill said he agreed, contemplating they could “go across the block just a few occasions, however he began driving shortly and changed into a very unhealthy neighborhood.”

“He stated, ‘Lock your door. It’s harmful,’” I said they saved that out of the papers because of it was unhealthy for enterprise on shut by Rush Avenue, and he said, ‘How are you aware that, huh? You’re smart. You aren’t like these totally different children,’” Merrill recalled, together with that he had “by no means gotten into anybody’s automobile earlier than” nevertheless decided to “keep it up” since Gacy allegedly suggested him he was “completely different.”

Nonetheless, in response to Merrill, points took a flip when Gacy “pulled over close to the ramp” of the freeway, and requested if he’d ever executed “poppers” — the slang time interval for amyl nitrite.

“He pulled out this brown bottle, splashed some liquid on a rag and jammed it into my face. I handed out, and after I wakened, I used to be in handcuffs,” Merrill said. “I noticed the exit for Cumberland on the expressway, close to the airport, and the following factor I knew, we had been exterior his home.”

“He advised me to be quiet. A light-weight from the again of the home hit him within the eyes and instantly I spotted how harmful he was. I used to be a puny 19-year-old,” he continued. “I knew I couldn’t anger him. I simply needed to diffuse the state of affairs and act like every thing was okay. That is the best way I had survived as a child — we discovered to lie low throughout my mother and father’ rages.”

Merrill claimed Gacy took him to the “darkish” dwelling, together with that he “sensed it was a entice.”

“He requested if I trusted him, and I stated I did, so he took off the handcuffs,” Merrill said, claiming that he and Gacy drank beer and “robust pot” sooner than Gacy “put the handcuffs again on” and “dragged [him] down the corridor.”

Merrill then described the alleged assault.

“He put this home made contraption round my neck. It had ropes and pulleys, and it went round my again and thru my handcuffed fingers in a method that if I struggled, I might choke,” he claimed. “I did at one level and began to lose air. He caught a gun in my mouth. Then he raped me within the bed room. I knew if I fought him, I did not have a lot of an opportunity. I by no means freaked out or yelled. I additionally felt sorry for him in a method, like he did not essentially need to be doing what he was doing, however he could not cease. We would been there for hours. Lastly, I may inform he was tiring. Unexpectedly he stated, ‘I will take you dwelling.’”

Merrill then claimed that “round 5 within the morning,” Gacy dropped him off “not far” from the place he first picked him up, and allegedly gave him his cellphone amount.

“He gave me his cellphone quantity and stated, ‘Possibly we’ll get collectively once more someday,’” he said. “Once I received dwelling, I flushed the quantity down the bathroom, then took a bathe. I did not name the police — I did not know he was a killer on the time. I went to the Snowflake Diner and had scrambled eggs and a chocolate milkshake. I made a pact with myself that I used to be going to get previous this. I wasn’t going to go away my happiness in that home.”

Gacy killed 33 teenage boys and youthful males from 1972 to 1978, sooner than the victims had been current in his dwelling in 1978. Generally generally known as the “Killer Clown”, he moreover carried out at children’s hospitals and charitable events on the time. He was executed by means of lethal injection in 1994.

Merrill said that just some months after he was allegedly kidnapped and raped by Gacy, he observed a headline about our our bodies having been found at a “suburban web site.”

“The story had a map, and there was the Cumberland exit on the Kennedy Expressway,” he recalled, sooner than saying that he then generally known as the paper. “[I] stated, ‘That man raped me.’ The person who answered stated, ‘What did you say your title was?’ I did not say my title. I used to be delicate about my title as a result of individuals knew my father. That was his paper.”

“I hung up the cellphone. I assumed if the police ever wanted my assist, I would come ahead,” he continued. “They discovered all these our bodies underneath that home, and years later he was convicted. However like I stated, if that they had wanted me, I might have come ahead.”

“I learn that he went to jail. I would see his image, and he was repulsive,” Merrill said. “The lurking thought has been, ‘Did he stain me? Was I someway stained?’”

Merrill said at 21, he moved to New York, realizing that he “wanted a change.” He created an Off-Broadway troupe, together with that “performing was therapeutic” for him.

He said that he later joined a help group because of his boyfriend had “full-blown AIDS” on the time.

“I examine Oprah doing a present about forgiveness. There was a lady who had been raped, overwhelmed and left for lifeless,” Merrill said. “She stated if she didn’t forgive her attacker, she couldn’t get on together with her life. I knew I had to do this — to someway forgive Gacy.”

Now, a couple of years later, Merrill said he nonetheless has to “face” his trauma now and again, sharing that he refuses to observe violent movement photos.

“Our tradition is obsessive about John Wayne Gacy,” he said. “Years in the past I used to be on the Haunted Hayride in Griffith Park in L.A. We flip a nook, and there’s a banner that claims, ‘Macy’s Day Parade.’ However the ‘M’ was crossed out and changed with a crimson “G,” and there’s clowns working spherical with axes and knives. It is that fright situation.”

“Folks adore it, however I do not discover violence enjoyable. I will not go to these motion pictures. The concept of watching somebody being tied up … I can not. Once I get scared, I by no means cry — my feelings get locked,” he continued. “However when good issues occur in motion pictures, when somebody will get what they need, the waterworks begin.”

Merrill well-known that he hadn’t publicly opened up about his alleged assault until now — and had beforehand solely suggested “shut buddies.” And by no means solely is he now sharing his story publicly, nevertheless he wrote a one-man current about his life, generally known as The Save.

“Doing my new present, I stroll by way of it each night time,” he said, referring to his alleged abduction and rape. “I am pleased with the journey. I used to be capable of study from the unhealthy and use it for the nice. You recognize, I am fortunate. I’ve at all times been fortunate.”

The Nationwide Sexual Assault Phone Hotline — 800.656.HOPE (4673) — provides free, 24/7 help for these in need.